During my period of sexual awakening, I quickly discovered that sex and intimacy were used as a currency. I could give it to get it, but there were no emotions involved.
The longer I practiced this, the more I was deprived of human emotions.
This realization came during a very specific encounter.
I slept over at His place. When I woke up, His arm was wrapped around me. A sudden feeling of bliss was replaced with horror when I realized this meant nothing to Him. It was a simple exchange of intimacy which was only meant to satisfy ourselves, not the other one. An arm that was tenderly wrapped around my body suddenly became a barded-wired barrier which held me in place to satisfy His need for intimacy.
I was no longer being held, I was being trapped.